Texting is not Talking

It's been reported dads spend less than seven minutes a day talking with their children. Now I don't want to get into a debate over the exact amount of minutes dads spend in conversation, but I would easily concede that dads could be spending a whole lot more time talking with their kids than they do.

I mentioned this point at a recent gathering of men, and one enterprising man agreed. He said he was not spending enough time talking with his son, so he decided to start texting him. Now without passing judgment on motives or methods, I would assert that texting is not talking.

Now I can see some grabbing their phones and tweeting about how wrong I am, that communication is communication and that texting is a valid exchange. I can hear some say just get over it and start encouraging men to text their kids.

But then I would have to start a dialogue about the purpose and definition of conversation. For me -- and I think a lot of others would agree -- true conversation occurs when I can ask my child open-ended, real-time questions that reveal to me his struggles, fears, hopes and dreams. A conversation happens when I listen and he speaks; then I question and he explains; then I comment and he nods -- or not. A conversation is more than words. It is body language and non-verbal clues. Texting removes the head nod of agreement, the shrugged shoulders of indifference, or the wide-eyes of curiosity and amazement. Texting takes away the most important message for a young person: the hug that says I love you, I forgive you, or I am proud of you -- sometimes all three at the same time.

Men, texting relays facts and information, and that is important. It's also a way to keep in touch, celebrate victories, share defeats, and impart advice, and that is important. But I will still advocate we need to follow up our texts with a talk: face-to-face, man-to-man.

So I suggest we resolve to spend a full ten minutes a day in meaningful conversation with our child.

Ten minutes.

It just might be the best part of your day or, better yet, the best part of your child's day.

Buck Fever

It was my first rabbit hunt. The farmers had positioned me at the end of the timber stand, located at the far edge of the field. They were walking through the woods in an effort to kick up some rabbits and send them my way. For what seemed like an hour, but was maybe five minutes, I waited with my shotgun at the ready. My attention was starting to drift when all of a sudden I caught sight of something bounding at me: a giant rabbit. I shouldered my shotgun and pulled the trigger. The blast roared from the barrel, sending the deadly pellets toward the bounding hare.

Or so I thought.

The cloud of dirt and the bunny hopping away told the tale. Yes, I had succumbed to "buck fever." Unable to contain my excitement at the opportunity to bring home some hearty hasenpfeffer (German rabbit stew), I fired too soon, not bothering to actually aim. The hole in the ground three feet in front of me indicated I barely brought the gun up, before jerking the trigger. The farmers had a hard time suppressing their smiles. They generously suggested I might stand a better chance at bagging some game if I actually waited until the critter was in my sights before firing.

Almost every hunter has succumbed to buck fever at one time or another. For some it happened on their first hunt; for others it was when their trophy casually strolled out in front of them. No matter when it happened, the symptoms are the same. There's a rush of adrenaline causing the limbs to twitch and the breathing to increase. This is accompanied by the inability to fire the gun accurately or the uncontrollable need to fire too soon, exhibiting, as it were, a complete lack of self-control.

You don't have to be a hunter to experience a lack of self-control though, do you? Most men have succumbed to a loss of restraint on some occasion. Many of us know what it's like to have one drink too many, speak too freely, drive too fast, eat too much, or even watch football too long, instead of listening to the wife. All of us have experienced the consequences of a lack of self-control, and they usually end up badly.

What we need to do is learn from our lapses of self-control, i.e. when preoccupation blinds us to the world around us. We need to know when and where we might get caught off-guard -- like when that rabbit comes bounding toward us out of nowhere. Once we recognize these situations occur at any time, we can remain alert and be men who think on our feet.

For example, take the football thing. When I am watching a football game and my wife enters the room in mid-sentence, experience has taught me it's prudent to give her my attention. Does it seem like the right thing to do? No. Do I really want to pull away from the third-down-and-inches play happening before me? Of course not.

But when I give her my attention, there's a payback for it. She says what she needs to. I show her she's valued. And we both remember that it's all about us.

So I would suggest we all practice self-control in what we do; we will be better men for it.

In over Your Head?

Do you remember as a kid when you'd jump off the side of the pool into the deep end? First there was the exhilaration of your body plunging into the depths, peacefully sinking to the bottom. Then, for me at least, there was the panic of trying to get my head back above water. This panic was apparently of the short-lived variety; however, since I usually jumped back in a few seconds later. I relished those times when I tested myself and my will. I still enjoy a good cannonball into the deep end, but I've found that time has tempered my desire to get in over my head.

Still, no matter how hard we try, there are times when we get in over our heads -- not in the relative safety of a pool, but in the dangerous world of real life.

Case in point: I feel the pain of the NFL replacement refs, as they struggle making their calls, having millions of people watching for their mistakes. I do not envy their situation.

In my own life, away from the floodlights and the TV cameras, and the tens of thousands of raving fans, my own male ego often throws me into the deep end. I find myself promising my wife to fix the plumbing, only to remember I'm not very good at sweat soldering. I find myself promising the boss I will have the project done by the end of day, only to remember I've lost a critical piece of data. Some days I hear my mouth making promises, only then to hear my brain say, "Now who do you think is going to do that?"

Yes, I get in over my head.

Every dad who has held his first-born child knows the feeling. Here is a little life that is totally dependent on you for every possible need: safety and food, sleep and drink, cleanliness and love -- everything that needs to be provided, needs to be provided ... by you. Looking at the babe in your arms gives you a sudden panic attack: "Hey, I'm in over my head on this one! How 'bout a little help here?"

And that feeling can come at any time: signing loan papers for college, or the car, or the house; watching your bride walk down the aisle to you; telling the boss what to do with his job; standing in front of a group of ten-year-olds, trying to encourage them after they lost their ninth straight game. Yep, the list is endless.

But there is good news in all of this. No matter how much you think you messed up, there is at least one other guy who has done the same thing before you. Every one of us has jumped into the deep end at some time in his life. Just like the first time the big kids were there to help you if you faltered, there are brothers nearby who will stand by you, advise you, and help you climb out of the deep end.

Seek them out. Better yet, find those guys in over their heads and stand with them.

They'll be glad you did.

Climbing Mountains

Voices echoed as we started up the trail. Challenges were issued to each other, as words and friendly taunts quickened our pace. In a few hours we would be at the top of the mountain, standing on the peak. Spirits were high as we anticipated the view from that lofty perch. As we pressed on, the horizon, formed by the rise and fall of lesser peaks, seemed impossibly far away. Below us, stands of evergreens followed streams and river valleys like a green ribbon. Above us, the edges of plump, white clouds, framed by the clear blue sky, appeared distinct, like they too could be climbed.

As we ascended our conversation dwindled, as our hiking team drew hard on the thinning mountain air. Footsteps became labored and pack straps started to dig deeper, as the trail gave way to rocks that now had to be negotiated and scaled. Pausing for rest gave us a chance to drink deeply from our thermoses, the cool water soothing our throats and providing relief.

As we pushed harder, our muscles began to balk at the unusual exertion we placed upon them. They rebelled, but they would succumb to our demands, as the top was in sight. It was a matter of sheer willpower now. Fatigued, cramped muscles had to be reined in. With lungs straining for life-giving oxygen, we bowed our heads in our final approach to the summit. Step by stubborn step we pressed on.

Then ... it was there. We made it! We crested the mountain. With the summit beneath our feet, we inhaled the rarified atmosphere, and took in the vista. There was a picture each of us imagined of what the world would look like from this vantage point, but this was something else altogether ... more beautiful, more amazing, more magnificent than we imagined.

Standing on the summit, the hurt, the pain, even our shaky resolve all gave way to the thrill of accomplishment.

Men, we all climb mountains in our lifetimes. For some these mountains are literal: the Rockies, the Cascades, the Sierra Nevada. For others these mountains -- these obstacles to overcome -- are figurative (but loom no less large): financial stress, tragic loss, health issues, broken relationships and more. Each time we start the climb we will be tested, tempted to give up, determined to find a way to return to the security of base camp.

Men, I suggest you continue your climb. Find the resources to get you up and over the top. Reach out to your brothers; ask them for a helping hand. Talk to those who have been where you are now; let them point out the obstacles and encourage you to keep pushing on.

The view from the top is worth it.

National Cheeseburger Day

Today is the day the American food industry hails cheeseburgers. It's National Cheeseburger Day! On this day you are encouraged to fire up the grill, drop on some tasty burgers and top them with your choice of cheese. Some guys throw on a variety of cheeses in order to blend and enhance the flavors. Pepper jack and cheddar gracing a juicy half-pounder is a favorite for a friend of mine. Another buddy will fire up a few one-third pounders. When they are just about done, he wraps aluminum foil around the edges to form a border, laying in some shallots, a little garlic and lots of blue-cheese crumbles in the middle. Serve this with a chilly brew, and you could call it a holiday anytime. We sure do.

There is a small Michigan town that dedicates an entire weekend to the joyous celebration of the cheeseburger. Since cheeseburgers are great for lunch, dinner, or both, this holiday is a perfect time to tell the family you'll be doing the cooking today.

A quick Internet search indicates there is a special day for just about everything. Case in point: tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day -- Arghh! September 20 is National Punch Day; you can decide which type of punch you want to celebrate. September 21 is World Alzheimer's Day, and the list goes on.

We all like to celebrate and have fun. Holidays offer great opportunities to observe traditions, gather friends and family together, eat and drink special concoctions, make lots of memories, and just have a good time. After all, who can be sad while talking like a pirate?

Men, this might just be the year to declare a special "holiday" for your family. It could be "Garage Cleaning Day, "Eat Dessert First Day" or, better yet, "Forget The Chores And Go Golfing Day." No matter what the special day, you are guaranteed to make memories and enjoy smiles all around.

As for me and my house, we will be serving cheeseburgers today!

"Are You Listening to Me?"

Like an unexpected wake-up call, you've probably heard these words before. They're usually uttered when you're engrossed in an important task like watching baseball, football or hockey, or are concentrating on a demanding task like driving the car, washing the car, or thinking about driving or washing the car. No matter what you're doing, when you hear them you have to stop and take notice. If you don't, trouble surely waits.

It typically plays out something like this:

She: "What are you watching?"

He: "Football."

She: (She shakes her head at how guys can find interest in a game where men spend the afternoon running into each other.) "That's nice. What do you suggest we do for my mother's birthday?"

He: "Whatever." (This is followed by shouts directed at the TV concerning the replacement officials.)

She: "I was thinking we could fly her into town to stay with us for a week or two."

He: "Whatever. Sounds good." (This is followed by comments about the coach's sanity, especially for calling a draw play on third down and 15.)

She: "Good, I'll call her now."

Perhaps, you can see where this is heading.

It's a good thing to build conversation skills with your spouse. Here are a few tips on improving your communication:

1. Take a few minutes in the morning and evening to speak with your loved one. Those few minutes can lead to unexpected and important results.

2. Engage in an after-work debrief. Spend some time reconnecting with the home front.

3. Silence the TV at dinner time. Eliminating this distraction can empower communication around the dinner table. It may be deathly quiet for a while, but this is where your considerable powers of communication take over.

4. Kiss and Hug. A daily kiss and hug creates a great connection and makes for a friendly wife.

5. Pray together. This can be jump started with some Bible reading first. Tapping into a written or audio devotion you both enjoy works well too; plus it gives you and the missus something to center your attention on.

Wives can be tremendous conversationalists, possessing vital knowledge on occasion. Rather than reluctantly hearing her out, embrace the idea -- and her. You just might find out something you didn't know -- like when you can expect to see your mother-in-law next.

Labor Day - 2012 "Here's To The Men!"

Here's to the men, who build bridges, roads, buildings and houses; here's to the welders, carpenters, operators and the craftsmen in the trades. Thank you for building our nation strong!

Here's to the men, who defend -- the police, fire, service members all, men who run to danger, heeding the call. Thank you for defending our strong nation!

Here's to the men, who teach and train -- teachers, professors, pastors, and all who impart their skill and understanding to another generation. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!

Here's to the men, who keep the stories -- authors, singers, actors and more, who tell their tales and are remembered forevermore. Thank you for your inspiration!

Here's to the men of action -- inventors, salesmen, entrepreneurs and other movers. Thank you for your inspiration!

Here's to the men, who value the rules -- lawyers, politicians, judges and jurors, and to all those parents who set firm boundaries. Thank you for keeping us honest!

Here's to the men of adventure -- hunters, fishermen, scuba divers, spelunkers, explorers and all those who get up close and personal with nature. Thank you for pushing us forward!

Here's to the men on the line -- men who do the jobs that manufacture the goods that bear the stamp, "Made in the U.S.A." Thank you for a job well done!

Here's to the men in the field -- farmers and ranchers, who raise the crops and animals of our nation's abundant harvest. Thank you for your stewardship of nature!

Here's to the men, who oversee employees -- bosses, middle-managers and supervisors, who lead by example and value those they manage. Thank you for your able direction!

Here's to all you who labor!

May God continue to watch over you and keep you safe.