I walked in and there she was. A college student from the church I serve. I couldn't turn around. I couldn't un-commit. I could have lied about why I was there, but that's not ethical (right?). I was caught red-handed—seeing my professional counselor.
For the last decade or so, I've seen a professional counselor off-and-on. Sometimes, it's been for no special reason. Other times, I'm in the midst of a crisis. Today, I go regularly to see my counselor, and I think everyone—pastor, plumber, or professional wrestler—should consider seeing a counselor (in fact, definitely the wrestlers ... because, seriously).
According to a University of Phoenix study from 2014, the majority of Americans (97%) believe mental health issues are at least somewhat of a serious problem in the U.S.
Further, almost two-thirds of Americans (62%) report that they have personally experienced mental health issues.
Despite financial barriers, lack of coverage, and social stigma, almost half of the 43.6 million American adults (44.7%) who experienced a mental illness in the past year received mental health care, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
The number of people seeking professional counseling for their mental health issues is on the rise. That's encouraging.
And yet, many professional caregivers—such as pastors, social workers, and others involved in counseling and caring for others in times of crisis—avoid professional counseling. Despite high levels of stress, the prevalence of burnout, and the need for self-care, many caregivers do not enlist professional help. They do not seek a safe place where they can process and receive input from a professional counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
I get it. The social stigma can be tough, the costs can be prohibitive, and the fear of running into someone you know at the office can turn you off to the idea quite quickly. But hear me out. There are both push and pull factors that put me in my counselor's chair frequently.
Here are mine:
1) Fear of Burnout—stress is a normal, and necessary, part of anyone's life. Burnout—a stress-related emotional collapse or breakdown that can result in chronic stress—should not exist. And yet, many pastors and other caregivers burn out all the time. I've been there, and I haven't even been at this "pastor" thing for very long.
If you're regularly exhausted, feeling like you don't want to get out of bed to face the day, dreading that upcoming meeting, or wondering whether or not this job is for you, I believe you should consider seeking out someone safe to talk to about it. Your family, your church, your community, and your soul will thank you for it.
2) Catharsis and Counsel—I've got issues. I'm pretty sure you do, too. That professional wrestler we both know does. We all need a place, or a person, where we can dump the feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment, failure, insecurity, inadequacy, and loneliness we feel in the course of our life and career. Dumping them on the wrong person can cause us, and countless others, untold anguish.
For this, a counselor is perfect. Counselors are trained to take the venting, to engage in role-playing, or help us grow as we share our vexations. Our drinking buddies, stuffed animals, and the steering wheel of our car are not.
3) Learning Empathy and Best Practices—beyond the personal benefits of seeing a counselor, there are also professional advantages. Sitting on the other side of counseling gives pastors, and other caregivers, an opportunity to see what it's like to sit "on the other side of the room." As I feel those sensations of anxiety, insecurity, and of being lost, I can take that understanding into the next meeting I have with someone who's bringing me their cares. Not only that, but I learn from my counselor tips and best practices that make me a better pastoral counselor and friend to the people I love in my life.
For these reasons and more, I think it's a great idea for pastors to not only provide counseling to those they care for, but to care for themselves and seek out professional counseling themselves.
Written by Ken Chitwood
You can let us know what you think about this by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Loneliness
Loneliness is an odd thing. We all recognize it when it happens, and yet it's not that easy to get at what exactly it is, or how to prevent it. A person stuck at home because of illness or disability is likely to be lonely with very little human contact, but so is a mother or father of young children who spends the whole day with under-fives and can't even get enough privacy to go to the toilet alone!
Being Alone?
Clearly loneliness isn't the same thing as solitude. It's possible for some people to spend days or weeks alone (maybe camping in the Sierras?) and not feel lonely for a single moment. I'm one of those people. And yet some of my loneliest times have been in rooms where there are at least a hundred other people within earshot, all milling around and drinking coffee together.
So in loneliness, something else is going on besides lack of human contact—though that happens, too. The Bible tells us that in the beginning, God looked at the first human being He created and decided it wasn't good for that person to be all alone. But before God fixed that situation (by creating another person!) God drove that point home by having the first one look all through the animal creation, getting to know everything, until it was clear there was nothing and no one comparable out there. Poor Adam! No amount of aardvarks or amoebas was going to cut it for him. He must have really appreciated it by the time he met Eve!
I Want Social Input
What did Eve, the second human, bring to the situation? She brought human "input," if I can call it that, into Adam's life. And that's something we all need to avoid loneliness. Have you ever noticed how some people go home to an empty house and immediately turn on the TV, even though they have no intention of watching it, and they're not even in the same room? They want, they need the background noise, the sound of human voices. Others are continually on the Internet, getting their fix of humanity through Twitter or Facebook or texting. Human input seems to be a non-negotiable for pretty much everybody, even if the amount needed varies from person to person.
But Eve brought more than that when she came along. By being there, she insured that there was someone in Adam's life who had some concern for him—who noticed his existence and was interested in it—who was able to provide the "give" as well as the "take" of human interaction. I think this is where the parents of small children get their loneliness from. There's no shortage of human interaction when you've got a baby wailing every time you set him down, and constantly wanting to be fed or changed or soothed or put to sleep. And yet that baby is pretty much all about the "taking," with almost no giving. It's natural at that age. But it contributes to a unique kind of loneliness—the loneliness of the caregiver who nevertheless is not seen as a fellow human being with needs and wants of his or her own. No wonder parents long to spend time with other adults!
I Need Social Output
But other kinds of loneliness might be even more common. Consider the loneliness of a person who is always on the receiving end—whether that's because of sickness or disability or age or simple isolation. A hospital bed can be a very lonely place, in spite of all the professionals (and even visitors!) interested in your welfare. A person who's going through major crisis—whether it's financial or emotional or family or health-related—that person can feel pretty lonely, too, even as everyone else is trying to help. These are situations where human interaction is all "take" and no "give"—like a lake where there's constant inflow, but no outflow. It seems that the imbalance leads to loneliness. And this might be why the old-fashioned advice for lonely people is for them to get involved in some sort of activity or service project—because it will "take you out of yourself." It seems that being completely "in yourself" is a lonely place to be.
Dealing with Loneliness
So what if it's you? How can you cope with loneliness? There's no one-size-fits-all answer, as no doubt you know already. This article isn't going to solve all your problems (though I wish it did!). And much as I'd like to, I can't say something facile like "Go to church and you'll never be lonely again." Because that's baloney. Some of my loneliest times have been in church.
But you might want to consider the whole social inflow/outflow problem as it relates to your own life. Do you have contact with people who care about you and want to know how you are doing? If not, what can you do to get that contact? Taking a class, getting involved in an activity where you meet the same people again and again, even (yes!) going to church can help. Affection and even friendship tend to grow over time between people who see the same folks again and again and again—even when those people are the complete opposite of soulmates.
What about your outflow—are you doing anything to impact other people's lives for good? If not, consider some sort of service activity. (Doing a Men's NetWork GIVES BACK event this year between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is one way to make this happen. See the article in this issue!) Believe me, people will notice and miss you immediately if you are the one who normally delivers a meal/calls a shut-in/tutors a child and suddenly you're absent one week. But even aside from that, the simple act of being effective in the larger world tends to cut down loneliness. Grandma was right—it "takes you out of yourself."
Certainly this isn't going to prevent any and all lonely feelings from now to forever, not for you and not for me. And if we've got other problems going on, like job or relationship issues, those things are going to just add to the loneliness. But if God is as aware of our lives and as caring as Christianity says He is, we can look to Him for help. Because He knows what it means to be lonely. Jesus experienced it many times. And He wants the best for us.
Written by the THRED team
What do you do to get around being lonely? If you notice or sense someone else is lonely, do you make an effort to give them some companionship? Do you have any examples you can share?
You can let us know what you think about this by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Being Alone?
Clearly loneliness isn't the same thing as solitude. It's possible for some people to spend days or weeks alone (maybe camping in the Sierras?) and not feel lonely for a single moment. I'm one of those people. And yet some of my loneliest times have been in rooms where there are at least a hundred other people within earshot, all milling around and drinking coffee together.
So in loneliness, something else is going on besides lack of human contact—though that happens, too. The Bible tells us that in the beginning, God looked at the first human being He created and decided it wasn't good for that person to be all alone. But before God fixed that situation (by creating another person!) God drove that point home by having the first one look all through the animal creation, getting to know everything, until it was clear there was nothing and no one comparable out there. Poor Adam! No amount of aardvarks or amoebas was going to cut it for him. He must have really appreciated it by the time he met Eve!
I Want Social Input
What did Eve, the second human, bring to the situation? She brought human "input," if I can call it that, into Adam's life. And that's something we all need to avoid loneliness. Have you ever noticed how some people go home to an empty house and immediately turn on the TV, even though they have no intention of watching it, and they're not even in the same room? They want, they need the background noise, the sound of human voices. Others are continually on the Internet, getting their fix of humanity through Twitter or Facebook or texting. Human input seems to be a non-negotiable for pretty much everybody, even if the amount needed varies from person to person.
But Eve brought more than that when she came along. By being there, she insured that there was someone in Adam's life who had some concern for him—who noticed his existence and was interested in it—who was able to provide the "give" as well as the "take" of human interaction. I think this is where the parents of small children get their loneliness from. There's no shortage of human interaction when you've got a baby wailing every time you set him down, and constantly wanting to be fed or changed or soothed or put to sleep. And yet that baby is pretty much all about the "taking," with almost no giving. It's natural at that age. But it contributes to a unique kind of loneliness—the loneliness of the caregiver who nevertheless is not seen as a fellow human being with needs and wants of his or her own. No wonder parents long to spend time with other adults!
I Need Social Output
But other kinds of loneliness might be even more common. Consider the loneliness of a person who is always on the receiving end—whether that's because of sickness or disability or age or simple isolation. A hospital bed can be a very lonely place, in spite of all the professionals (and even visitors!) interested in your welfare. A person who's going through major crisis—whether it's financial or emotional or family or health-related—that person can feel pretty lonely, too, even as everyone else is trying to help. These are situations where human interaction is all "take" and no "give"—like a lake where there's constant inflow, but no outflow. It seems that the imbalance leads to loneliness. And this might be why the old-fashioned advice for lonely people is for them to get involved in some sort of activity or service project—because it will "take you out of yourself." It seems that being completely "in yourself" is a lonely place to be.
Dealing with Loneliness
So what if it's you? How can you cope with loneliness? There's no one-size-fits-all answer, as no doubt you know already. This article isn't going to solve all your problems (though I wish it did!). And much as I'd like to, I can't say something facile like "Go to church and you'll never be lonely again." Because that's baloney. Some of my loneliest times have been in church.
But you might want to consider the whole social inflow/outflow problem as it relates to your own life. Do you have contact with people who care about you and want to know how you are doing? If not, what can you do to get that contact? Taking a class, getting involved in an activity where you meet the same people again and again, even (yes!) going to church can help. Affection and even friendship tend to grow over time between people who see the same folks again and again and again—even when those people are the complete opposite of soulmates.
What about your outflow—are you doing anything to impact other people's lives for good? If not, consider some sort of service activity. (Doing a Men's NetWork GIVES BACK event this year between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is one way to make this happen. See the article in this issue!) Believe me, people will notice and miss you immediately if you are the one who normally delivers a meal/calls a shut-in/tutors a child and suddenly you're absent one week. But even aside from that, the simple act of being effective in the larger world tends to cut down loneliness. Grandma was right—it "takes you out of yourself."
Certainly this isn't going to prevent any and all lonely feelings from now to forever, not for you and not for me. And if we've got other problems going on, like job or relationship issues, those things are going to just add to the loneliness. But if God is as aware of our lives and as caring as Christianity says He is, we can look to Him for help. Because He knows what it means to be lonely. Jesus experienced it many times. And He wants the best for us.
Written by the THRED team
What do you do to get around being lonely? If you notice or sense someone else is lonely, do you make an effort to give them some companionship? Do you have any examples you can share?
You can let us know what you think about this by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
The Discomfort with Dismantling
A few years ago, my husband and I began exploring the possibility of moving into a new home. Having done a bit of research, we identified neighborhoods and entered our preferences into an online search bar, along with our price limits. We were disappointed by how few homes met our qualifications, but were excited to find a single, promising, slightly suspicious possibility: a spacious home, in a top-notch school district, priced inexplicably lower than comparable properties.
We planned a visit and considered all the possible explanations for this anomaly, but could not have anticipated what we found. The house was lovely: nice curb appeal, modern updates, and convenient amenities. Yet it took only 30 seconds and a walk across the front room for me to see it ... or rather, feel it. The house was crooked.
"The Magical Leaning House," I quickly named it as I began to observe how everything in the house was, not so subtly, pitched to one side. Now, having been familiar with the "settling" that can occur in older homes, it was not the leaning phenomenon that fascinated me most. Rather, I was baffled by how intentionally the previous owner had embraced this characteristic. The window frames were custom-made rhombuses, made to perfectly fit the off-kilter openings. The wood trim and molding was custom cut at precise angles to adjust for the tricky way the corners came together. Everything was modified to embrace the imbalance.
Yet a visit to the lower level revealed evidence of numerous attempts to seal and fill cracks in the basement floor. It was simultaneously impressive and troubling. I could not imagine why someone would go to such great lengths to aesthetically and superficially accommodate what was quite obviously a foundational issue.
Clearly, the owner did not tune in to home improvement reality television. There is something about making old things new and wrong things right that scratches a primal itch for viewers, including me. We can also all agree that there is no worse discovery for a new homeowner than learning there's a problem with the foundation. How badly we want for the renovation budget to be used for a beautiful new front porch, a clawfoot tub, or a custom kitchen island. But no matter the sacrifice, there is never a question—at least for the professionals—about what is actually the priority.
Whether the house needs to be hoisted up, reinforced, or even torn down, foundation work is backbreaking. It's time-consuming and often looks and feel destructive; torn-up landscaping, broken tiles, sledge-hammered concrete. It seems to halt all other progress. It costs.
But what is the alternative to foundation repair? I suppose it's "The Magical Leaning House." How problematic could it be to live in a house that leans? A rolling baseball and an uneven freshly-baked cake seem like small inconveniences in comparison to the colossal cost of breaking up and relaying a new foundation. Not so, say the experts. To the contrary, the longer a homeowner delays fixing the foundation, the more uneven it gets, the more damaged the structure of the house becomes, and the more will be required to repair it.
Many, at least publicly, agree that our United States was built on an uneven foundation. The land and everything on it was created to benefit some inhabitants more than others. Despite this history, and perhaps due to the great sacrifices and perseverance of individuals and groups, many attempts have been made to correct the injustices and assuage the legacy of our broken beginnings. But repairing broken foundations is colossal work, and it's become apparent to some (and remained painfully obvious to others) that the work that's been done is much like that in "The Magical Leaning House"—several crack repairs, but mostly aesthetic and superficial modifications to distract us from a structure that actually continues to be unstable and imbalanced.
For a great many, the unwillingness to deal with the foundational work has been intentional and self-serving. Their lives have been spent ordering custom rhombus windows and cutting precise angles so that all appears tidy and purposeful. It may seem that they benefit from this particular pitch, but they fail to realize that our collective dwelling is still rapidly sinking.
For others, "The Magical Leaning House" has become home. These residents have lived so long on an incline that it now feels mostly comfortable as their bodies and gaits have redistributed and modified to adjust to this constant state. For them, it no longer feels like a lean, but feels normal—even right. Not only would foundation repair be loud and disruptive to their environment, but it would create discomfort for their own physical bodies. So without clear knowledge of impending structural failure, foundation work feels not only unnecessary but detrimental.
Yet there are still others who, through personal investigation or the intervention of a visiting neighbor, have begun see the tilt and identify it as destructive. They lean closer, even as they wince at the reality that it is, indeed, worse than they thought. They seek input, get opinions, ask questions, do research. The closer they look, the more problems they find. The renovation budget seems to climb to insurmountable heights. They are regularly tempted to simply deal with the superficial, order custom windows, and get back to the joy of picking accent colors. But they have seen the truth and cannot unsee it, and the only lasting satisfaction they can now have is in pushing up their sleeves, grabbing a hard hat and a sledgehammer, and asking the foreman how they can help demo.
The institutions of our time are the houses we live in and the structures we build upon. May we not settle for the cheap praise that comes with fresh coats of paint and new wall art, but look closer and dig deeper to identify the brokenness that has kept us perpetually off-kilter. Let us lean into the discomfort of dismantling the systems that compromise our collective ability to flourish. The work will be far from easy, but there is no doubt that it will be worth it. The greatest peace and satisfaction will be most palpably experienced by those who have seen the foundation's crumbling condition, recognized the past and potential harm, but sacrificed control and comfort to ensure lasting security to all who pass through its doors.
Join in. There's enough work for all of us.
Written by Sabrine Rhodes
How is it where you live? What are the things that can be done to uplift and fortify your neighborhood and community? How can we see to it that compromised foundations (both local and national) are addressed rather than ignored and built over?
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
We planned a visit and considered all the possible explanations for this anomaly, but could not have anticipated what we found. The house was lovely: nice curb appeal, modern updates, and convenient amenities. Yet it took only 30 seconds and a walk across the front room for me to see it ... or rather, feel it. The house was crooked.
"The Magical Leaning House," I quickly named it as I began to observe how everything in the house was, not so subtly, pitched to one side. Now, having been familiar with the "settling" that can occur in older homes, it was not the leaning phenomenon that fascinated me most. Rather, I was baffled by how intentionally the previous owner had embraced this characteristic. The window frames were custom-made rhombuses, made to perfectly fit the off-kilter openings. The wood trim and molding was custom cut at precise angles to adjust for the tricky way the corners came together. Everything was modified to embrace the imbalance.
Yet a visit to the lower level revealed evidence of numerous attempts to seal and fill cracks in the basement floor. It was simultaneously impressive and troubling. I could not imagine why someone would go to such great lengths to aesthetically and superficially accommodate what was quite obviously a foundational issue.
Clearly, the owner did not tune in to home improvement reality television. There is something about making old things new and wrong things right that scratches a primal itch for viewers, including me. We can also all agree that there is no worse discovery for a new homeowner than learning there's a problem with the foundation. How badly we want for the renovation budget to be used for a beautiful new front porch, a clawfoot tub, or a custom kitchen island. But no matter the sacrifice, there is never a question—at least for the professionals—about what is actually the priority.
Whether the house needs to be hoisted up, reinforced, or even torn down, foundation work is backbreaking. It's time-consuming and often looks and feel destructive; torn-up landscaping, broken tiles, sledge-hammered concrete. It seems to halt all other progress. It costs.
But what is the alternative to foundation repair? I suppose it's "The Magical Leaning House." How problematic could it be to live in a house that leans? A rolling baseball and an uneven freshly-baked cake seem like small inconveniences in comparison to the colossal cost of breaking up and relaying a new foundation. Not so, say the experts. To the contrary, the longer a homeowner delays fixing the foundation, the more uneven it gets, the more damaged the structure of the house becomes, and the more will be required to repair it.
Many, at least publicly, agree that our United States was built on an uneven foundation. The land and everything on it was created to benefit some inhabitants more than others. Despite this history, and perhaps due to the great sacrifices and perseverance of individuals and groups, many attempts have been made to correct the injustices and assuage the legacy of our broken beginnings. But repairing broken foundations is colossal work, and it's become apparent to some (and remained painfully obvious to others) that the work that's been done is much like that in "The Magical Leaning House"—several crack repairs, but mostly aesthetic and superficial modifications to distract us from a structure that actually continues to be unstable and imbalanced.
For a great many, the unwillingness to deal with the foundational work has been intentional and self-serving. Their lives have been spent ordering custom rhombus windows and cutting precise angles so that all appears tidy and purposeful. It may seem that they benefit from this particular pitch, but they fail to realize that our collective dwelling is still rapidly sinking.
For others, "The Magical Leaning House" has become home. These residents have lived so long on an incline that it now feels mostly comfortable as their bodies and gaits have redistributed and modified to adjust to this constant state. For them, it no longer feels like a lean, but feels normal—even right. Not only would foundation repair be loud and disruptive to their environment, but it would create discomfort for their own physical bodies. So without clear knowledge of impending structural failure, foundation work feels not only unnecessary but detrimental.
Yet there are still others who, through personal investigation or the intervention of a visiting neighbor, have begun see the tilt and identify it as destructive. They lean closer, even as they wince at the reality that it is, indeed, worse than they thought. They seek input, get opinions, ask questions, do research. The closer they look, the more problems they find. The renovation budget seems to climb to insurmountable heights. They are regularly tempted to simply deal with the superficial, order custom windows, and get back to the joy of picking accent colors. But they have seen the truth and cannot unsee it, and the only lasting satisfaction they can now have is in pushing up their sleeves, grabbing a hard hat and a sledgehammer, and asking the foreman how they can help demo.
The institutions of our time are the houses we live in and the structures we build upon. May we not settle for the cheap praise that comes with fresh coats of paint and new wall art, but look closer and dig deeper to identify the brokenness that has kept us perpetually off-kilter. Let us lean into the discomfort of dismantling the systems that compromise our collective ability to flourish. The work will be far from easy, but there is no doubt that it will be worth it. The greatest peace and satisfaction will be most palpably experienced by those who have seen the foundation's crumbling condition, recognized the past and potential harm, but sacrificed control and comfort to ensure lasting security to all who pass through its doors.
Join in. There's enough work for all of us.
Written by Sabrine Rhodes
How is it where you live? What are the things that can be done to uplift and fortify your neighborhood and community? How can we see to it that compromised foundations (both local and national) are addressed rather than ignored and built over?
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Virtue
Honesty. Truthfulness. Purity. Kindness. Forgiveness. Courage. Humility. Peace. Obedience. Integrity. Faithfulness. Trustworthiness. Mercy. Compassion. Hope. Perseverance. Love. Forgiveness. Responsibility. Cheerfulness. Strength. Loyalty.
This is a partial list of what we refer to as virtues-that is, qualities that are good, desirable, and beautiful in people. Some of these virtues come from lists in the Bible. Others come from classical antiquity or from cultures around the world. It doesn't really matter-the human race seems to have general agreement on what it means to be truly good-to be the way God meant us to be.
These virtues are goals we aspire to-things we want to see in our own lives and in the lives of the people around us. And they shine all the more brightly in the world we live in now-a world where so many powerful leaders openly lie, cheat, steal, and grab for what they want, with no concern for the needs of those weaker than themselves. And they have many imitators-possibly including a boss, a neighbor, or even a family member you live with. In dark times, virtue shines brightly. They attract us to themselves.
The Bible understands this desire. The prophet Micah references the virtues when he says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8) If we could actually do this-twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, without messing up-actually living as the whole, healthy people God means us to be-how awesome that would be? It would be wonderful.
But of course, we don't manage it-not all the time, and not whole-heartedly. Which is why Micah was talking about it in the first place-he was talking to people who lived in a society just as messed up as ours is. They abused the poor and grabbed for money; they lived lives of excess and conspicuous consumption. Amos described them as people who "sell the righteous for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals-those who trample the head of the poor into the dust of the earth" (Amos 2:6b-7a). Jesus described them as people "who devour widows' houses and for a pretense make long prayers" (Luke 20:47a). The details may have changed a bit, but the basic behavior remains-and not only in our leaders, but even at times in ourselves. Which of us does the right thing consistently-or even tries?
We need help. The virtues exist; we see them shining, sometimes, in people we admire, even in people we love and live with. We want to see them in ourselves. And for that, the Bible tells us, we need God's help. Trying harder can only take you so far. To really reach the goal God created us for-to be the people He means us to be-it takes God living in us, the Holy Spirit. As the early Christian leader Paul says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23a). These are the good things that God grows in everyone who trusts in Jesus Christ. It may take a long time-years, even a lifetime-as you doubtless know from watching Christians fail! But the virtues come in the end, because God is recreating people through His power so that they have a family resemblance to Jesus Himself. God will do this for anybody-anybody who really wants it and asks for it.
Written as a collaboration by THRED's in-house writing team
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
This is a partial list of what we refer to as virtues-that is, qualities that are good, desirable, and beautiful in people. Some of these virtues come from lists in the Bible. Others come from classical antiquity or from cultures around the world. It doesn't really matter-the human race seems to have general agreement on what it means to be truly good-to be the way God meant us to be.
These virtues are goals we aspire to-things we want to see in our own lives and in the lives of the people around us. And they shine all the more brightly in the world we live in now-a world where so many powerful leaders openly lie, cheat, steal, and grab for what they want, with no concern for the needs of those weaker than themselves. And they have many imitators-possibly including a boss, a neighbor, or even a family member you live with. In dark times, virtue shines brightly. They attract us to themselves.
The Bible understands this desire. The prophet Micah references the virtues when he says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8) If we could actually do this-twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, without messing up-actually living as the whole, healthy people God means us to be-how awesome that would be? It would be wonderful.
But of course, we don't manage it-not all the time, and not whole-heartedly. Which is why Micah was talking about it in the first place-he was talking to people who lived in a society just as messed up as ours is. They abused the poor and grabbed for money; they lived lives of excess and conspicuous consumption. Amos described them as people who "sell the righteous for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals-those who trample the head of the poor into the dust of the earth" (Amos 2:6b-7a). Jesus described them as people "who devour widows' houses and for a pretense make long prayers" (Luke 20:47a). The details may have changed a bit, but the basic behavior remains-and not only in our leaders, but even at times in ourselves. Which of us does the right thing consistently-or even tries?
We need help. The virtues exist; we see them shining, sometimes, in people we admire, even in people we love and live with. We want to see them in ourselves. And for that, the Bible tells us, we need God's help. Trying harder can only take you so far. To really reach the goal God created us for-to be the people He means us to be-it takes God living in us, the Holy Spirit. As the early Christian leader Paul says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23a). These are the good things that God grows in everyone who trusts in Jesus Christ. It may take a long time-years, even a lifetime-as you doubtless know from watching Christians fail! But the virtues come in the end, because God is recreating people through His power so that they have a family resemblance to Jesus Himself. God will do this for anybody-anybody who really wants it and asks for it.
Written as a collaboration by THRED's in-house writing team
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Call Me Old-Fashioned
Call me old-fashioned, but I think technology is a little overrated. Yes, we can have pretty much anything we want delivered to us without even putting our pants on. Yes, we don't have to go through the hassle of making real friends when we can easily connect with people online. Yes, we don't even need to know where we're going before we get in the car.
But just because we have unlimited power at our fingertips, doesn't mean that we need to use it.
I learned this the hard way while spending an incredible ten days driving around southern Ireland with my fiancée.
Thanks to my stubborn (i.e. cheap) stance on not buying an international data plan, we were forced to navigate without the help of the internet.
Instead, we decided to rough it and use real a map.
What's a "real" map, you ask? Think Google Maps but analogue.
I know what you're thinking: "If this map you speak of is paper, then how does it update to let you know where you are?"
That's the beauty of it—it doesn't. No turn-by-turn directions. No continuous ETA. Just you, the open road, and a whole lot of confusion.
Confusion isn't always a bad thing. For us, it led to many surprising places and the occasional random adventure.
In our case, J.R.R. Tolkien's famous quote, "Not all those who wander are lost" couldn't have been further from the truth. We were both wandering and lost ... and it felt great.
Once we reached each city, we made it a habit to park the car and simply roam around until we came across a cafe or pub that tickled our fancy. Thanks to this (flying-by-the-seat-of-our-pants) strategy, we found hidden gems, met plenty of locals, and shared serendipitous conversations.
I can't think of a better way to spend your time.
Thanks to the brutal efficiency of Google Maps and other helpful technologies, we miss these fleeting opportunities every single day.
We're too busy with our heads down in our phones to realize life is passing us by.
In much the same way, I can't help but shun the invention of the audiobook.
I am one of the few remaining humans left who hasn't listened to one, and that's because I prefer its physical counterpart.
Call me old-fashioned, but I love the smell of a brand new book freshly off the shelf. I yearn for the feeling of accomplishment that comes with turning each crisp page. Heck, I even enjoy transforming mundane items such as receipts and coupons into useful bookmarks.
I'm not completely blind to the utility of e-books. As someone who listens to podcasts at 2x speed, I understand the convenience of "reading" while in the car or at work. We're all obsessed with productivity hacks and using multitasking as a misplaced badge of honor.
The thing is, I retain what I read much better when I actually read it. I want to build the magical world of Harry Potter for myself instead of having someone else do it for me, even if it is the insanely-talented Jim Dale (look him up, seriously).
Judging by these words, you may think I'm an old curmudgeon who despises technology. Quite the opposite—I'm just like any other millennial who's addicted to Instagram and spends most of his day behind a laptop.
My only issue with technology is that many of us rely on it to get by.
We have become crippled thanks to our dependence on technology to perform basic human functions like talking to others and finding our way from point A to point B.
Instead, we should be using it to enhance our lives, not run them.
What does this look like?
Using technology to amplify our ideas instead of our gossip. Talking with others who may not share our perspectives rather than publicly crucifying them. Embracing technology in order to learn and create instead of mindlessly consuming.
When used correctly, technology is an amazing way to take giant leaps forward.
That doesn't mean we don't need it to get started.
But hey, what do I know? I'm old-fashioned.
Written by William Frazier
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
But just because we have unlimited power at our fingertips, doesn't mean that we need to use it.
I learned this the hard way while spending an incredible ten days driving around southern Ireland with my fiancée.
Thanks to my stubborn (i.e. cheap) stance on not buying an international data plan, we were forced to navigate without the help of the internet.
Instead, we decided to rough it and use real a map.
What's a "real" map, you ask? Think Google Maps but analogue.
I know what you're thinking: "If this map you speak of is paper, then how does it update to let you know where you are?"
That's the beauty of it—it doesn't. No turn-by-turn directions. No continuous ETA. Just you, the open road, and a whole lot of confusion.
Confusion isn't always a bad thing. For us, it led to many surprising places and the occasional random adventure.
In our case, J.R.R. Tolkien's famous quote, "Not all those who wander are lost" couldn't have been further from the truth. We were both wandering and lost ... and it felt great.
Once we reached each city, we made it a habit to park the car and simply roam around until we came across a cafe or pub that tickled our fancy. Thanks to this (flying-by-the-seat-of-our-pants) strategy, we found hidden gems, met plenty of locals, and shared serendipitous conversations.
I can't think of a better way to spend your time.
Thanks to the brutal efficiency of Google Maps and other helpful technologies, we miss these fleeting opportunities every single day.
We're too busy with our heads down in our phones to realize life is passing us by.
In much the same way, I can't help but shun the invention of the audiobook.
I am one of the few remaining humans left who hasn't listened to one, and that's because I prefer its physical counterpart.
Call me old-fashioned, but I love the smell of a brand new book freshly off the shelf. I yearn for the feeling of accomplishment that comes with turning each crisp page. Heck, I even enjoy transforming mundane items such as receipts and coupons into useful bookmarks.
I'm not completely blind to the utility of e-books. As someone who listens to podcasts at 2x speed, I understand the convenience of "reading" while in the car or at work. We're all obsessed with productivity hacks and using multitasking as a misplaced badge of honor.
The thing is, I retain what I read much better when I actually read it. I want to build the magical world of Harry Potter for myself instead of having someone else do it for me, even if it is the insanely-talented Jim Dale (look him up, seriously).
Judging by these words, you may think I'm an old curmudgeon who despises technology. Quite the opposite—I'm just like any other millennial who's addicted to Instagram and spends most of his day behind a laptop.
My only issue with technology is that many of us rely on it to get by.
We have become crippled thanks to our dependence on technology to perform basic human functions like talking to others and finding our way from point A to point B.
Instead, we should be using it to enhance our lives, not run them.
What does this look like?
Using technology to amplify our ideas instead of our gossip. Talking with others who may not share our perspectives rather than publicly crucifying them. Embracing technology in order to learn and create instead of mindlessly consuming.
When used correctly, technology is an amazing way to take giant leaps forward.
That doesn't mean we don't need it to get started.
But hey, what do I know? I'm old-fashioned.
Written by William Frazier
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Nice vs Kind
One of the many unintended side effects of becoming a parent is that you're forced to develop a new relationship with the English language. I don't mean that you'll instantly gain an understanding of homophones, homonyms, and homographs— no such luck. What I mean is that you'll learn that "sit on the couch" can mean a multitude of different things, ranging from the traditional butt-on-seat variation, to many other more creative arrangements that could end with a butt placed in a number of surprising locations.
For example, I remember a time when I told my son to go into his room to put on a pull-up before bed. Well, he did exactly that. It wasn't until the next morning that I learned that what I should've said was "Take off your underwear, and then put on a pull-up."
When I was preparing Noah for kindergarten, I spent a lot of time talking to him about the importance of being "kind" and, of course, that required an explanation of what I meant by that. My initial explanation was probably something along the lines of "You know, like, nice or whatever ..." but when you really think about it, being nice and being kind aren't really the same thing, are they?
According to my old friend Merriam-Webster, to be nice is to be pleasant or agreeable. To me, this describes a behavior or a particular style of social interaction. Nice is something that can be turned on when you clock in at work and turned off the moment your shift ends. Nice is great for job interviews and first dates. Nice is common, but not necessarily always genuine. Politicians are (almost) always nice because being nice gets you votes.
Don't get me wrong, I want my son to be nice, but not nearly as much as I want him to be kind.
Old lady Merriam's definitions of kind include words like "helpful," "gentle," and "loving"—all words that fall right in line with the lesson I wanted to teach my son. "Nice" is a way to behave, whereas "kind" refers to the kind of person you are. Kind people aren't kind because it could possibly yield rewards, or because it's part of a job description. Kindness is a result of a genuine desire to help other people and do good. When my grandmother forces "soda money" into my pocket before I leave her home, she's doing it out of kindness.
Nice and kind are two words that are similar in definition, but far from interchangeable. Nice people aren't hard to find: go to any Starbucks or Chick-fil-A and you'll find dozens of them ready to provide you with the best dining experience possible. Truly kind people, on the other hand, are a little harder to find. These are the people who go out of their way to help others and do good, no matter the reward.
I think the best thing for all of us is to try to be at least a little bit of both. What about you?
How do you teach a child what kindness is and how to be kind? Seems like there's a lot of example giving in that one. How do you try to teach others how to be kind? How much of being kind is internal, like a personality trait?
Written by Justin Fantroy
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
For example, I remember a time when I told my son to go into his room to put on a pull-up before bed. Well, he did exactly that. It wasn't until the next morning that I learned that what I should've said was "Take off your underwear, and then put on a pull-up."
When I was preparing Noah for kindergarten, I spent a lot of time talking to him about the importance of being "kind" and, of course, that required an explanation of what I meant by that. My initial explanation was probably something along the lines of "You know, like, nice or whatever ..." but when you really think about it, being nice and being kind aren't really the same thing, are they?
According to my old friend Merriam-Webster, to be nice is to be pleasant or agreeable. To me, this describes a behavior or a particular style of social interaction. Nice is something that can be turned on when you clock in at work and turned off the moment your shift ends. Nice is great for job interviews and first dates. Nice is common, but not necessarily always genuine. Politicians are (almost) always nice because being nice gets you votes.
Don't get me wrong, I want my son to be nice, but not nearly as much as I want him to be kind.
Old lady Merriam's definitions of kind include words like "helpful," "gentle," and "loving"—all words that fall right in line with the lesson I wanted to teach my son. "Nice" is a way to behave, whereas "kind" refers to the kind of person you are. Kind people aren't kind because it could possibly yield rewards, or because it's part of a job description. Kindness is a result of a genuine desire to help other people and do good. When my grandmother forces "soda money" into my pocket before I leave her home, she's doing it out of kindness.
Nice and kind are two words that are similar in definition, but far from interchangeable. Nice people aren't hard to find: go to any Starbucks or Chick-fil-A and you'll find dozens of them ready to provide you with the best dining experience possible. Truly kind people, on the other hand, are a little harder to find. These are the people who go out of their way to help others and do good, no matter the reward.
I think the best thing for all of us is to try to be at least a little bit of both. What about you?
How do you teach a child what kindness is and how to be kind? Seems like there's a lot of example giving in that one. How do you try to teach others how to be kind? How much of being kind is internal, like a personality trait?
Written by Justin Fantroy
You can let us know what you think by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
The Lies We Tell Our Kids
It's not intentional, really. We want to believe it's true when we say that they can be and do anything they want when they grow up. We want to believe that there's some relationship between that idea, and the need for them to perform throughout their teen years as if their lives depended on it.
We want to believe that there is no conflict between our urging them to "Follow your dreams!" morphing suddenly and abruptly into "What are you going to major in?" and "How are you going to support yourself for the rest of your life doing that?"
We tell them to do all the "right" things because we don't know what else to tell them, and we can't bear to tell them nothing. Or to let them fail. Or to let them veer from the prototypical success model-who knows where that might lead?
Maybe, just maybe, it will lead them slowly, and with some requisite turbulence, to themselves.
So if we really want to help our teen and young adult children, I'm thinking we should stop telling them that who they are is a series of grades and tests scores and titles and victories that must be accrued in a deliberate time and sequence-or else-and we should start telling them the truth, which, when you step back, I believe, looks something like this:
Between the ages of 15 and 25-give or take-you're going to want to learn some things, for example:
 What you like to do, and what you're good at, and if those are the same things
 What kind of people make you happy and what kind of people seem happy to be around you
 What it feels like to love another person and the delirious grace that comes from being loved back
 Whether or not sex is going to become a defining factor in your life
 How to dig yourself out of a hole
 How to throw yourself into an idea that is bigger than yourself and seeing what happens
 How to cook a meal, do your laundry, clean your bathroom, and live with roommates
 How to look someone in the eye when you shake their hand
 What it feels like to earn a paycheck and then pay for something with money you earned
 Whether or not you can make enough money doing the things you like and are good at to live the way you want to live
 Or if money is more important to you than spending your time doing things you like or love and what that choice will cost you down the road (this usually has to be learned later)
 You'll want to know what you believe in about Big Questions like God, and compassion, and why there's evil in the world, and if you think you're contributing to it, and how you feel about that
 You'll want to know how to learn new things-some of your choosing, some not
 You'll have to decide if your word will be your bond
 And to recognize those whose word is not
 It's hard to build a good life on a wobbly foundation so you're going to want to develop some confidence-if you're lacking in that area-or some humility, if you're not
 Do you know what makes you feel confident yet?
 Do you know how to express your thoughts and feelings?
 Do you know what you were put on this Earth to be and do?
Our kids will learn these things, and others, in no particular order, and often multiple times. No one will give them a certificate or a grade or a degree or a prize for them. But when they feel they've got a handle on most of these, they'll be ready to have a really nice life. Let's remember to tell them that sometimes.
Written by Heather Choate Davis
Nobody said raising kids was easy, and if they did, they weren't too bright. Do you have any time- and experience-tested truths you can add to the above list?
You can let us know by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
We want to believe that there is no conflict between our urging them to "Follow your dreams!" morphing suddenly and abruptly into "What are you going to major in?" and "How are you going to support yourself for the rest of your life doing that?"
We tell them to do all the "right" things because we don't know what else to tell them, and we can't bear to tell them nothing. Or to let them fail. Or to let them veer from the prototypical success model-who knows where that might lead?
Maybe, just maybe, it will lead them slowly, and with some requisite turbulence, to themselves.
So if we really want to help our teen and young adult children, I'm thinking we should stop telling them that who they are is a series of grades and tests scores and titles and victories that must be accrued in a deliberate time and sequence-or else-and we should start telling them the truth, which, when you step back, I believe, looks something like this:
Between the ages of 15 and 25-give or take-you're going to want to learn some things, for example:
 What you like to do, and what you're good at, and if those are the same things
 What kind of people make you happy and what kind of people seem happy to be around you
 What it feels like to love another person and the delirious grace that comes from being loved back
 Whether or not sex is going to become a defining factor in your life
 How to dig yourself out of a hole
 How to throw yourself into an idea that is bigger than yourself and seeing what happens
 How to cook a meal, do your laundry, clean your bathroom, and live with roommates
 How to look someone in the eye when you shake their hand
 What it feels like to earn a paycheck and then pay for something with money you earned
 Whether or not you can make enough money doing the things you like and are good at to live the way you want to live
 Or if money is more important to you than spending your time doing things you like or love and what that choice will cost you down the road (this usually has to be learned later)
 You'll want to know what you believe in about Big Questions like God, and compassion, and why there's evil in the world, and if you think you're contributing to it, and how you feel about that
 You'll want to know how to learn new things-some of your choosing, some not
 You'll have to decide if your word will be your bond
 And to recognize those whose word is not
 It's hard to build a good life on a wobbly foundation so you're going to want to develop some confidence-if you're lacking in that area-or some humility, if you're not
 Do you know what makes you feel confident yet?
 Do you know how to express your thoughts and feelings?
 Do you know what you were put on this Earth to be and do?
Our kids will learn these things, and others, in no particular order, and often multiple times. No one will give them a certificate or a grade or a degree or a prize for them. But when they feel they've got a handle on most of these, they'll be ready to have a really nice life. Let's remember to tell them that sometimes.
Written by Heather Choate Davis
Nobody said raising kids was easy, and if they did, they weren't too bright. Do you have any time- and experience-tested truths you can add to the above list?
You can let us know by clicking here and leaving a comment.
You can let the folks at THRED know what you think by clicking here.
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