Family Reunions - the Hard Way

It's a familiar story. Everybody in attendance hasn't seen most everybody else in attendance since the last time a family member died. Now, I may be wrong in this, but the fact we're all seeing each other more frequently is not the best of signs. Keeping up this pace is not the ideal either, as it means there are going to be fewer reasons for getting together -- and fewer people to get together with when we do.

And so goes life -- and death. When I was a kid, death was far away. The thought of losing my parents would send me into a sudden, cold shiver: a gut-dropping sensation would overtake me when the thought turned into a real possibility, no matter how remote it seemed at the time. Still, then, I could shake the feeling pretty quick. After all, I was young. My folks were sort of young, and everybody seemed to be in pretty good shape.

But, oh, how things do change. In the last four years, I've seen my Dad, my aunt, my Mom, my brother-in-law, and now, just this past week, my uncle, exit this mortal vale. There are births and babies, of course, graduations and marriages too, but the old guard is making its final exodus now, permanently relinquishing their posts as patriarchs and matriarchs of the family. And as they go, so have some of my dearest confidants, best friends, and closest allies.

Commenting on this at last week's visitation for my uncle, a cousin of mine was telling me how our fragmenting brood needs to find time to get together and reestablish the pattern of family outings that were so much a part of our lives when we were all kids.

I said, "Yeah, we do!" (Or something like that).

That was the easy part.

The Best Present

I must confess I like giving presents. I especially enjoy giving Christmas gifts to my family. There are few things in life I enjoy more than watching my loved ones open their gift from me. It is then I might get a gasp, a smile, a squeal of delight, a tear, or an exclamation as they see what I have given them.

There's a little method to my gift selection I can pass on to you. I pay attention. That's right. I pay attention to those around me throughout the year, listening for some indication of what gets them excited, what they're really interested in. For example, my mind tunes into their hobbies, collections, interests, etc. A friend who's into pens gets a special pen; a friend who golfs, well, he gets golf stuff; the one who enjoys trains gets a train set, etc. I know. It's a pretty complicated method.

I've also been known to be so bold to just ask what they would like for a gift. This tactic can sometimes be frustrating, however. For when the loved one mentions the best gift they could ever get just so happens to be the best gift everyone else wants, well, then, it's often difficult to find it. It's then I go into my super-quest mode: determined to pull all of the stops to obtain that item which is unattainable so that my loved one is especially excited come Christmas morning.

Over the years I've had my share of successes, giving those special gifts that elicit a gasp, smile or squeal. One time I even got tackled as my loved one ran to give me a hug.

One thing I've noticed -- no matter what the gift is -- the best time of the day is simply being together. I have come to realize I could wrap up just about anything and the gift would be appreciated. Okay, maybe not anything, but you get my drift.

This brings me to one last item, and it's the most important point I want to leave you with. Guys, the best present you can give your loved ones at Christmas is your presence -- throughout the year. When you are home for meals, cheering at sports events, sitting next to your kids as they do their homework, reading a bedtime story to your youngster, or just taking a walk -- being with them is a gift they can't replace -- nor would they want to.

Most every present under the tree will be worn out, broken, lost or outgrown over the years. Not so with the memory of the times you've spent together. And in these times of pinching pennies, isn't it nice to know the most enduring gift you can give is yourself?

So the next time you wonder what's the best present you can give that special someone, try giving yourself -- your presence.

Christmas Decorations

As I drove through my neighborhood last night I was impressed with the number of houses decked out with festive lights, innovative lawn displays, and other yuletide items -- all hung, nailed, tacked, strung or otherwise fastened in the name of this merriest of seasons. There was one house in particular that looked as if it might double as an airport beacon, casting forth enough illumination to be visible from outer space.

Now, lest one deduce me to be the Grinch himself, I did put up my lawn decorations and house lights last weekend too. So it's not the idea of decorations I am opposed to, it's being tacky.

Now tacky I realize is a subjective measurement, for one man's plastic Santa placed next to a set of blow-up penguins playing keep away from a snowman using his head for the ball may be the next man's piece de résistance. Still, I find that for me, at least, the most meaningful houses are the ones with decorations honoring the magnificent spirit of this season.

I like lights strung along gutters and eaves that simulate icicles; I like trees decked out in lights. And I really like a crèche in the yard, depicting Mary, Joseph and Jesus.

Our Lutheran Hour Ministries' building has a large, lighted set that features snowflakes on either side of Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus.

My home has a crude wooden stable with the figures of Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus.

Of all the lasting childhood Christmas memories I have, the one that means the most to me today is when my dad would set out the manger scene. Every year there was one under the Christmas tree, and most years he placed one front and center in the yard. He would have us kids help him set up the figures and run the cord for the spotlight; then he would share with us his words immortal: "Boys, this is what Christmas is all about, not all that shopping stuff!"

I couldn't agree more.

Men, it's never too late to begin sharing a CHRISTmas decoration. If this is something you can add to your Christmas celebration, may this year be the start of a tradition your kids will remember 30 years from now.

THANKSgiving

This Thursday is the day Americans pause for some genuine thanksgiving. It seems to me the day will be less about "thanks," however, and more about "giving." It's about giving up time to watch football games, giving money to stores for the latest you-can't-live-without-it gadget, and giving up family togetherness as individual members often have to exit one family get-together to join another.

I'm personally not opposed to parades, football games, and commercial bargains, but in moderation, of course. What gets me most about the day is the simple nod of "thanks" we give to it, usually finding its most visible expression in the obligatory prayer we offer over dinner.

I am a one-person crusader determined to put more thanks into my family's Thanksgiving Day.

There, I said it.

I will wake the family in time to attend our church service, for it is important we start the day with thoughtful worship to Him who provides all.

I will hone my skills, roll up my sleeves, and gather with the family in the kitchen: each of us will take part in helping prepare the day's feast. I know it will be crowded in there, but I predict lots of laughter as we perfect our kitchen-dance routines. I also anticipate the food will taste that much better as we all have a hand in preparing it.

I will roast the turkey; some will fry it. And yes, I will make it a semi-elaborate production as I involve family members in getting the day's "star" ready for center stage. Naturally, there will be groans from the chosen child who plunges in to remove the great bird's innards, and there will be sublime joy for others who rub the turkey down with butter, using their bare hands.

As we sit down and prepare to feast, I will ask each abundantly blessed person at the table to share some of their reasons for thanks over the past year. My personal list includes my wife, my children, my job, and my church, as well as my ability to buy a house this year. I know there will be more reasons come Thursday.

After our banquet we will again gather as a family to clean off the table, store leftovers, and wash the dishes. No one will be allowed to watch the game, go shopping, or take a nap until everyone is able to. Thus I can see many hands making light work.

Guys, while parades, bowl games, and door-buster sales may scream for our attention, I believe fond family memories and time well-spent with others will win the day.

Happy THANKSgiving!

Prepare

Last Sunday's intense thunder and hail storms tearing through the Midwest threatened 53 million people across ten states. In its wake it left tens of thousands without power. This one got personal as it tore into the town I once lived in, killing two, leveling houses, and ripping the steeple and roof off the church where my children were baptized. In the blink of an eye lives were changed forever.

I know the death toll could have been much worse if not for the fact the residents heeded the warnings and sought shelter. One couple who sought refuge in their basement emerged only to find their house completely destroyed. They remarked, "We may have lost everything, but stuff can be replaced."

Men, let us always be prepared.

Let us prepare our homes by having an evacuation plan, smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors, fire extinguishers, and an emergency kit that includes water, light sources, radio, blankets, and a way to make noise if trapped under debris. On a personal note, I bought a flashlight powered by a crank that also juices a radio, produces an ear-splitting siren, and can charge a cell phone. That gadget is in my basement shelter since I live in an area prone to tornadoes.

If we live in the snowbelt we need to prepare our cars with food, blankets, shovel, kitty litter or sand, jumper cables, and tire chains. I found an app for my phone that will send a GPS signal to the nearest law enforcement station when I am stranded in the snow and cold. It will also -- now get this -- calculate how much fuel I can use before carbon monoxide poising sets in, and it will let me know how long I can run my engine for heat.

No matter where we live we should prepare our family with instructions and code words for places to meet after a disaster, how and when to dial 9-1-1, and our preferred modes of communication. My wife and I know we first try our cell phones, then Facebook, and then check with the relatives.

We need to maintain a working knowledge of first aid, emergency procedures, and how to act in times of disaster or unforeseen circumstances. Our family will look to us in moments such as these. It is best we remain calm, confident, knowledgeable and decisive -- even if we are not.

Now, especially, is the time to prepare. Heeding my own advice, I'm going to buy another fire extinguisher for the house. After all, Thanksgiving is coming, and one can never be over-prepared when it comes to turkey frying.

When Does the Bullying End?

The NFL's news about Jonathan Martin leaving the Miami Dolphins after being bullied by veteran teammate Richie Incognito is yet one more incidence of bullying behavior. This story followed close behind the one of two Florida pre-teens arrested for allegedly taunting and bullying another 12-year-old girl until she committed suicide by jumping to her death. Another sad story reported on a Texas teenager who was arrested for allegedly bullying a special needs girl. The bullied girl received a barrage of threatening and vile messages, including one text that read "kill urself," according to North Texas police.

Some may argue the above cases are aberrations and not the norm. Others would say the word "bully" has become a smokescreen for people who can't take a joke, who don't understand the role of teasing, or who are out to make life miserable for others by "playing the victim."

I disagree with those who claim there is no bullying or who maintain it's just "kids-will-be-kids" fun that gets blown out of proportion by the media.

Bullying -- in whatever form it comes -- is a premeditated action intended to belittle, degrade or cause physical pain to another person.

Unfortunately, I have witnessed this sort of behavior among children and adults. I've seen kids at the mall go out of their way to make fun of the person cleaning tables at the food court or demean an employee on the janitorial staff. I've seen adults make fun of others, usually at a sporting event.

I've watched dads use harsh words, threatening their children with physical punishment to enforce obedience.

I've witnessed husbands raising their voices and slamming their wives' behavior, appearance or conduct in public -- seeking to mock and put them down.

Bullying is not an alternative method to get one's point across, nor is it a satisfactory means of expressing one's displeasure at a person. In every case, it's damaging, malicious, and the sign of an exceedingly weak ego.

Bullying stops when the perpetrator halts the behavior. Nothing short of that ends the problem. When the urge to bully is suffocated -- choking it off again and again when necessary -- then some real headway can be made. In time, the knee-jerk bully response can be defeated by the offender striving to show (oftentimes through great personal determination) a measure of self-control, kindness, compassion, and genuine concern for another human being -- no matter how different that person might be.

Perhaps the best way to stop bullying in its tracks is squaring off with it -- one bad situation at a time.

Doing it one man at a time seems the place to start.

I will do my part. Will you join me?

Turning a House into a Home

Last week I signed papers documenting the fact that in 30 years I will be the sole owner of a house. Now some of you haven't been to the closing table yet, while for a few others once was more than enough. On the flip side, there are those who have been there many times. Regardless, there is something universal in wanting to own a house.

For me a house represents security and safety as I am surrounded by sturdy walls and a non-leak roof that have been inspected and found to be sound. A house presents opportunities to express my creative side with paint color choices, furniture selection and placement, and yard landscaping. It also represents a repository of memories as I get to pile and store box after box of mementoes, pictures, papers and keepsakes chronicling my life's journey. A house also represents obligation and responsibility as I must now meet monthly mortgage, tax and escrow payments, along with repairing all that falters or fails.

But still a house is a thing -- nothing more than wood, sheetrock, nails, paint, plaster and the rest. A house becomes alive when it becomes a home.

For me, home represents love and acceptance. The minute I enter my home all the day's assaults on me and my self-worth are wiped away. I am loved and accepted for who I am, not for my actions, dress, or demeanor. My accomplishments -- or lack thereof -- mean nothing to those who wait for me at home.

Home is not the ultra-modern kitchen, the manicured yard, the leather furniture, or the poster-lined "man cave"; home is the people who love and forgive, who help and holler, who accept me without judgment, without reservation.

For some, home might be a crowded apartment filled with family members who love hugs and accept one another, just the way they are. Then again home could be a trailer in the country with a faithful companion. Home might even be a condo shared with one person for more than 50 years, or an assisted-living site with a partner who no longer remembers.

To be sure, buying a house is nice, but a house does not make a home.

Houses last a while; homes are forever.